The first problem was what scale to use – the largest page size available for layout was about 5.4m wide, but with 755 episodes to include it was still going to be a squeeze. I allocated 1mm for every five minutes of screen time, so a standard 25 minute episode would get half a centimeter. Not an enormous amount of resolution, but enough to illustrate the basics. The final chart is 5.08m by 4.27m, although it could certainly be shrunk down for printing, perhaps to about 2m wide, and retain enough detail.

Stumbling block number 2: there’s no canon for the Doctor Who universe – nobody in charge has ever set anything in stone and the nature of a series about time travel puts a rather large spanner into attempts to say what did or didn’t “officially” happen. Better minds than I have argued the case against a definite Whoniverse, so I just decided to carve off an identifiable chunk to study: the live-action televised bits (minus a few odds and ends).

Next, I went for a “what seems to make most sense” approach with regards to the names of certain stories and characters (Susan’s surname almost certainly isn’t “Foreman”, right?). And on the subject of companions, I have my own idea of who is and who isn’t.

The chart takes the form of a timeline, with incarnations of the Doctor and companions presented in order of appearance. It indicates whether the Doctor is in the past, the contemporary present or the future (although certain stories make for quite limited accuracy in some cases, and I’ve broadly ignored the terrifying horrors of the UNIT dating controversy), and features the recurring adversaries of the Daleks, Cybermen and the Master.

It demonstrates that, as a companion, you have a 9.4% chance of ending up dead (not too bad, considering), and that 14% of all episodes are missing from the archives. And it illustrates the gender gap in companioning:

The background was looking a trifle bare, but fortunately the Hubble Space Telescope produces some wonderful, extremely high-resolution images of the cosmos. The one I’ve used in the chart is a montage of the Orion Nebula, and is available in sizes up to 18,000 x 18,000 pixels; thanks to NASA and the ESA these images are copyright free and available for use.

Anyway, here it is: Doctor Who: A Relativity Matrix (v1.0) ♐
It’s a PDF, about 3.2MB, 5.08m x 4.27m – I’ve given up on getting Flickr to accept an enormous JPEG, and a lot of things seem to choke on converting it.

Obviously all Doctor Who related content is ™ and © to the BBC and various other parties – I’m not attempting to infringe on anyone’s property here!

Chart design is © 2010 by me, but it’s released under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Sharealike 3.0 license, so please copy, remix & share – let me know if you do anything with it.

Corrections, suggestions, complaints and arguments about Sara Kingdom are very welcome at the usual address: neil at notlikecalvin dot com
There will be updates and additions as the adventures continue.

(Tug o’ the forelock in the direction of David McCandless at informationisbeautiful.net, who produces far prettier stuff than I ever could; the basic section on timeframes in my chart is deliberately unspecific, steering well clear of his work on a (presumiably) more authoritative Doctor Who timeline.)

Watching this new – in more ways than one – incarnation is a painful business for those of us who’ve held on to the old: one fourty-five minute episode is surely no replacement for a multi-part story, no matter how much of that may have been corridor-rushing, companion-rescuing padding; a TARDIS in modern-day London smacks all too much of the not-quite-managing-it faux-American style of Spooks and Hustle; the show’s reliance on the night terrors of the monster under the bed can’t hope to scare kids who’ve grown up on 18-certificate movies and the easy violence of the town centre.

So with all that against it, how can this possibly work? With surgery that’s been cruel but kind, the fat trimmed back and the muscle enhanced. There are some unfortunate necessities to this second coming, but we’re left with a continuation, not a restart, and the series in the best health its had for a while.

Specifics, then. I think it’s a shame that we get another Auton invasion as a virtual retread of the original, although I can see the need for a storyline that can be quickly established and dispatched while characters are introduced. Even discounting the fear that we might be in for a ST:TNG-style plundering of “original” series’ plots, it threw into sharp relief the difference between the slow-burning mystery of the Pertwee-era and this new breed of virtually instant plot resolution.

In amongst the commonly-held myths of wobbly sets and Blue Peter effects work, my favourite aspect of Doctor Who was always the exploration of a new culture or society and the gradual revelation that something was wrong. And that’s what I think I’m going to miss most of all about the new format’s pacing.

But, having said that, there’s a lot here that’s good. The Doctor and Rose are both strong and, in their own way, likeable – both suggest hidden depths, particularly with this almost Colin Baker-ish alien Doctor: the gag about his ears suggest the character’s as new as Eccleston is (Mark Benton’s conspiracy theorist may well have been tracing future activity, then).

Rose is nicely established and, more importantly, given no real reason to hang around. The useless boyfriend was a nice touch, and we certainly weren’t sorry to see the back of mum. The psychological impact of being swept away from home and family (let alone the whole aliens/time travel thing) on the Doctor’s companions was always something that was seemingly ignored by the series until, perhaps, the extended backstory of Ace.

I can’t really see what all the fuss was about with the TARDIS exterior – the new dimensions are a nicely chunky, but I really like the lit windows – and although the walls and console inside are fine, the flooring does look a little bit like, well, mesh covering flourescent tubes. While it’s great that we get the acronym clarified with a singular “Dimension”, it remains to be seen whether this TARDIS is more than just the console room…

Our introduction to the Doctor is carried out in brief bursts, and builds an impression of a gleafully smug, self-absorbed, glinty-eyed ancient youth with the fate of the world on his shoulders. Different iterations throughout the series have made his control over a damaged, outdated or restricted time machine more or less random: here the Doctor seems to have absolute control over the flight of his craft, but whether this will serve or hinder future plot points could go either way [I've become suddenly concerned that the time travel aspect may become critically weakened with a perfect degree of control]. I’m informed by them in the know that adventures will either be Earth-based or will at least use our planet as a home port, the better for viewers to relate in what has always been a very open-ended series.

We already knew that the logo wasn’t up to much, and while the theme is faithful I was hoping for something a little more gutsy – a bigger impact for this long-awaited return. The title sequence itself didn’t grab me at all: the mysterious, unfathomable abstract swirls of the Hartnell era have been completely forgotten, and we’re left with a rather obvious Stargate/Sliders tunnel effect. A badly-drawn face (with or without a wink) it may not have been, but I was pining for something as haunting and fresh as the original would have been in the 60′s.

Even accounting for another stab at the Autons, these ones seemed pretty poorly done – their heads seemed too large, like masks, where I distinctly remember the smooth, blank faces of the originals. The drop-away handguns should be a defining moment of otherworldly horror, but we don’t even get to see Mark Benton die (I’m assuming he does, right?). Will this Doctor Who not push the boundaries of teatime as the others before it?

My other niggles are purely in the realms of the way the BBC onlines its programmes: even though I’m prepared to grudgingly forgive Graham Norton repeatedly interupting the audio track in the first ten minutes (a live feed from Strictly Night Fever getting mixed in somehow during the basement sequence*) I could really do without a “next week on Doctor Who” bit tagged onto the end but before the credits – what’s with this culture of spoilers? Does everything need to be ruined in advance?

But really, I only grumble on because I care and I’m picky. Nothing beats the fact that, sat on the floor looking up at my telly, glowing in the darkness, I couldn’t help but smile. It felt right.

I don’t care if it doesn’t scare today’s hardened children, and I don’t really care that Doctor Who’s strange even-back-then format has been kicked into shape. All Beeb drama these days seems to have a touch of the eager to please about it, lost at sea amongst the infinite production values of US air superiority – but this one’s ours. The other side doesn’t have to get it (and, by all acounts, they’re not) and it retains the charm and willfully silly adventure of a quintessential part of British science fiction, even after a much-needed spring cleaning.

A perfect start was an impossible dream, and there’s still plenty to watch out for once the show takes its first steps beyond this opener. But it’s good to have it back, isn’t it?

(A brief addendum. I met Mike Tucker, of what used to be the BBC Visual Effects Unit, a couple of times back in the early nineties – he was dead miffed that he’d never get his name on the credits of a Doctor Who episode after the cancellation in ’89. Looks like that’s one more box ticked, Mike!)

* Although not everybody noticed it, I have my suspicions that this “accident” may have been an intentional slip-up designed to ruin a perfect soundtrack on any quote piracy unquote of the episode destined for, I don’t know, the internet. Just a thought.

This should be a return, albeit updated to a current format, of the British Doctor – one instance of the peculiar breed of very English science fiction. All accounts, leaks (intentional or otherwise) and scuttlebutt seem to indicate that it’s got it right: can you imagine what would happen if they got it wrong?

Anyhow, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time – McCoy was my favourite Doctor, mainly because he was the one I grew up with – I don’t remember much at all of Colin Baker, and I’d have been far too small for Peter Davidson – but then, just as the show seemed to have found a great mix of non-wobbly sci-fi and suburban fantasy it got pulled.

I’ve been doing my best to avoid spoilers, although just like the iPod shuffle things seem to be slipping through my defences the nearer we get. TV and radio seem to be doing their best to surprise me with trails and Wikipedia managed to show me the new Daleks before I realised it – I think the Radio Times has just given something away too. Why would anybody want to know anything before they get to see it as part of the narrative? What’s the point in – literally – spoiling it for themselves?

But I’ll be watching, and hoping, phone turned off and lights turned down. One hour to go. See you on the other side.

And, for once, it gripped me.

There is nothing better on our screens.

Meanwhile: Alison Pargeter, late of the Stephen Joseph Theatre Company whilst I was in residence there, is now fawning around lump-head Martin in Eastenders.

In addition: once I’ve got me some shiny new, OS X capable computer equipment I’ll be giving this place its annual makeover – sorting out all those headers and footers once and for all. Actually, there’s an awful lot more to do: I’ve never used the i/o section, and all the Bretton bits are rather inelegantly lumped together. Something can definitely be done to improve matters.

My G4/G5/iMac indecision continues, fuelled by just how difficult getting hold of slightly-older-and-slightly-cheaper Mac hardware is. And the new iMacs are beautiful. And suprisingly cheap, everybody now seems to think.

I had a great birthday yesterday, with a visit from the family, cake, chocolate, Pringles, pool, flashing lights, loud music, silly/furious dancing, port, mash, and wonderful friends. Cheers guys – here’s to another year!

[ There's also the problem of lenses: my T610 has a 33mm lens, designed to capture the faces of drunken friends a couple of feet away, but largely useless for landscapes or things that are 'over there'. I don't have a zoom, so some subjects simply don't work if they're not big/close enough. ]

The m3log competition has the theme ‘fourteen days‘, with entries sent to the shared moblog. It’s this theme that’s got me pondering, since it’s a little too, er, devisive? If it was ‘happiness’, or ‘urban decay’ or something then that would be fine, but pics of ‘fourteen days’ strikes me as the sort of thing that phonecam’ers will have to either actively seek out or devise, rather than stumble across. The fourteen lines and fourteen pillars both make a good stab at it, but what if the best images submitted have nothing really to do with the actual theme? Would that disqualify them?

The very fact that ‘days’ are mentioned would, to me, suggest multiple images – perhaps combined in some way. Is that allowed? Does post-processing, like using scissors in origami, violate the artform in some way?

So, I suppose I’m just going to have to wait and see if anything appropriate pops up if I want to be in with a chance.

All whinging aside – moblog.co.uk is great, and full props to Sony Ericsson for sponsoring this fantastic competition.

[ TV update: new-ish Channel 4 "sitcom" Green Wing is terrible. Despite the fact that's it's crammed full of C4's finest comic actors (and the wonderful Julian Rhind-Tutt, not seen since Hippies) it insisted on doing that ridiculous fast-forwarding thing (completely unseen in the trails) until I had no choice but to turn over to Battlefield Earth. It was that bad. ]

In other news: a strange thing happens when I’m removed from internetness now – I start reading lots. Not that I don’t read normally, but I increasingly find myself “without the time”. But I’ve been back a few days now and I’m already reading The Surgeon of Crowthorne (about the making of the OED), The Nothing That Is (about the number zero), Frank Miller’s Ronin, The Life and Times of Hercule Poirot (a biography of the fictional detective), Bilton (a random novel) and I finally got ’round to picking up Ed McBain’s Ice but instantly decided I didn’t like it. And I read the papers every day. TV doesn’t supply the same constant rate of information that the internet is able to feed me, so I feel the need to read.

Friends has shuddered to a halt, Sex and the City has seized up (ahem – not that I watched it), Dawson’s Creek finally decided between Dawson and Pacey – and tonight it’s Fraiser‘s turn to bow out. I haven’t been a devoted viewer, partly due to the way C4 flung it around the schedules, but the self-consciously highbrow sitcom has always amused. But I’ll be watching the final double episode tonight mainly because I really like endings. More of that later.

I remember reading (via Neil Gaiman, I think) about the rather odd behaviour of Six Of One, the “official” fan club. At first I thought this was a bizarre meta-site that was playing with the idea of paranoia and surveillance as themes from the show – but sadly, no.

Still, when there’s a decent enough alternative why put up with petty politics. I’ll be diving straight in once I’ve seen it all.

Who is Number 1?

Oh – I think I’ll watch Five‘s moon-landing-hoax documentary-thing tonight, just to see whether they manage to answer any of the questions they pose. Actually – ER’s on C4 at the same time, so maybe I won’t.